TALES OF HIGH SCHOOL DES KA
by Kratomatos
Summary: A HIGH SCHOOL AU IN WHICH LLOD LEARNS THE MEANING OF TRUE LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP IN HIS NEW CLASSES IN HIGH SCHOOL WARNING: LANGUAGE AND STRIP SHOWS AND SEXUAL TENSION AND YOWEE WITH SPECIALL GUEST APPEARANCES OF LUKE GUY AND DAT ASCH FROM TALES OF THE ABYSS


DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE HOS RELATED TO TALES OF SYMPHONIA ALL CHARACTERS ARE COPYRIGHT OF KOSUKE FUJISHIMA AND NAMCO-BANDAI

WARNING: YOW, LANGUAGE, SOFT GRUNGE

LLOYD AWOKE TO THE OBNOXIOUS RINGING OF HIS ALARM CLOCK. MUMBLING AN INCOHERENT SLUR OF GENERAL ANNOYANCE, HE FLOPPED OVER AND SLAMMED HIS HAND DOWN ON THE ANNOYING THING, MAKING IT CEASE ITS INCESSANT NOISE. IT WASN'T UNTIL A GOOD 10 MINUTES LATER THAT HE REMEMBERED EXACTLY WHY THE ALARM WAS GOING OFF IN THE FIRST PLACE: IT WAS THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!

"OH, SHIMATTA! I'M GONNA BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!" LLOYD SAID AS HE SPRANG OUT OF BED AND GET DRESSED AT THE SPEED OF SOUND. HE VAULTED DOWNSTAIRS, GRABBING A PIECE OF TOAST AS IT FELL FROM SPRINGING OUT OF THE TOASTER. WITH HIS BAG OVER HIS SHOULDER, HIS JACKET ONLY HALF-ON, AND THE TOAST IN HIS MOUTH, HE SPRINTED OUT THE DOOR. "BYE, DAD! WISH ME LUCK!" HE SHOUTED OVER HIS SHOULDER AT DIRK, WHO WAS DOING WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS DWARVES DO ON AN ORDINARY WEEKDAY.

AS LLOYD MADE HIS WAY DOWNTOWN, WALKING FAST, THE SUN SHONE IN THE BRIGHT BLUE SKY, AND SAKURA PETALS FLUTTERED FROM THE TREES ABOVE IN THE GENTLE BREEZE. HE THOUGHT TO HIMSELF ABOUT THE UPCOMING YEAR. "WOW, MY FIRST YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL! I WONDER WHAT IT'LL BE LIKE!"

ABSORBED IN HIS THOUGHTS, HE BARELY NOTICED A FAMILIAR VOICE CALLING TO HIM FROM THE DISTANCE. HE STOPPED AND TURNED TO SEE GENIS, RUNNING AS FAST AS HIS STUMPY LITTLE LEGS COULD CARRY HIM IN AN ATTEMPT TO CATCH UP WITH HIM. "LLOYD-SAN, WAIT FOR ME! YOU SAID WE WOULD WALK TO SCHOOL TOGETHER!"

"OH, GOMEN, GENIS-SAN! I TOTALLY FORGOT! BUT HEY, WE'RE HERE NOW, SO LET'S WALK THE REST OF THE WAY!"

AND SO THEY DID.

EVEN THOUGH LLOYD WOKE UP LATE, HE AND GENIS GOT TO THEIR BRAND NEW HIGH SCHOOL EARLY ENOUGH TO SCOPE EVERYONE OUT. SEEING PLENTY OF FAMILIAR FACES, AND PLENTY MORE UNFAMILIAR ONES, THEY SET OUT TO FIND THE REST OF THEIR FRIENDS.

WITHIN SECONDS, THEY WERE ABLE TO FIND COLLETTE BY FOLLOWING A TRAIL OF DAMAGED AND BROKEN PROPERTY. EVENTUALLY, THEY FOUND HER LYING FACE-DOWN ON THE GROUND IN FRONT OF A RUINED MELON BREAD STAND. SHE GOT UP AS FAST AS SHE COULD TO APOLOGIZE TO THE STAND OWNER. "G-GOMEN NASAI, MR MELON BREAD MAN-SAN-SAMA-KUN-CHAN-SENSEI" SHE SAID, DUSTING OFF HER SCHOOL UNIFORM.

"NOT A PROBLEM MS. COLLETTE, YOU DO THIS EVERY DAY ANYWAY, I'LL JUST USE ALL OF THE PROFITS THAT I'VE MADE TO PAY FOR THE DAMAGES LIKE I ALWAYS DO, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA" THE MELON BREAD MAN SAID, LOOKING AS THOUGH HE WAS HOLDING BACK TEARS.

"OH, COLLETTE-CHAN, YOU'RE ALWAYS SO CLUMSY" LLOYD SAID

"LLOYD-SAN! I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!" COLETTE SAID, EAGERLY HUGGING HER FRIEND.

"SRSLY U GUYS, WE NEED TO HURRY UP BEFORE CLASS STARTS" GENIS SAID, REALIZING JUST HOW LITTLE TIME THEY HAD LEFT BEFORE THE OFFICIAL START OF THEIR HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENT CAREER. SUDDENLY, A VOICE CAME FROM BEHIND THEM.

"GREETINGS" PRESEA SAID, HER FACE AS STOIC AS ALWAYS.

"P-P-P-PRESEA-CHAN" GENIS SAID, HIS FACE INSTANTLY GOING RED.

"OH HEY PRESEA, WHAT'S UP" LLOYD SAID CASUALLY

COLETTE STARTED TO WALK TOWARD THE SCHOOL BUILDING. "IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, PRESEA! BUT OUR CLASSES ARE GOING TO START SOON, SO MAYBE WE SHOULD START HEADING INSI-"

"PFFFFF, YOU LOSERS CAN GO ON AHEAD IF YOU WANT, ME AND PRESEA-CHAN WILL JUST STAY OUT HERE AND CHILL FOR A BIT." HE PUT HIS ARM AROUND PRESEA'S SHOULDERS. "YOU KNOW HOW IT IS WITH THESE FRESHMEN, ALWAYS WANTING TO BE ON TIME. HAH!"

"GENIS WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU'RE A FRESHMAN TOO, AND SO IS PRESEA" LLOYD SAID

GENIS CLAMMED UP. "WH-WHAT? PRESEA-CHAN IS A FRESHMAN? BUT SHE'S OLDER THAN US! SHE'S OLD ENOUGH TO BE A TEACHER, EVEN!" HE SAID, COMPLETELY IGNORING THE PART ABOUT HIM BEING A FRESHMAN TOO.

"I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BE A TEACHER AT THIS SCHOOL FOR TEN YEARS, AND EVERY TIME, THEY ENROLL ME AS A FRESHMAN BECAUSE OF MY STUNTED GROWTH." SHE SAID, HER FACE STILL EXPRESSIONLESS.

EVERYONE LOOKED AT HER IN SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS. "WELP, HOW ABOUT WE GO AND SEE WHERE OUR CLASSES ARE?" LLOYD SAID, TURNING BACK TOWARD THE BUILDING.

THEY ALL WENT INSIDE AND GOT THEIR SCHEDULES. "WHAT'S YOUR FIRST CLASS, COLLETTE?" LLOYD ASKED.

"ECONOMICS WITH MR. BRYANT-SENSEI! WOW, THIS SEMESTER'S STARTING OFF INTENSE!"

"IT SEEMS AS THOUGH I HAVE THAT CLASS AS WELL," PRESEA SAID.

"YAY, WE CAN BE ECONOMICS BUDDIES!" COLLETTE SAID EXCITEDLY.

"I HAVE P.E. WITH MR. YUAN-SENSEI…LAME, P.E. FIRST THING IN THE MORNING? GROSS!" GENIS SAID, HIS FACE REFLECTING HIS DISGUST.

"AWW BALLS, I DON'T HAVE FIRST PERIOD WITH ANY OF YOU" LLOYD SAID, LOOKING AT HIS SCHEDULE IN DISMAY. HE HAD HISTORY WITH… MR. AURION-SENSEI? WASN'T HE THAT MYSTERIOUS TEACHER THAT EVERYONE KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING STRANGE ABOUT, BUT NEVER TALKED ABOUT? WEIRD.

THE 5-MINUTE WARNING BELL RANG. "OH SHIT, SEE Y'ALL BITCHES LATER" LLOYD SAID AS HE HURRIED OFF TO HIS CLASSROOM.

HE ACTUALLY ARRIVED A BIT EARLY; NOT MANY OF THE OTHER STUDENTS WERE THERE YET, SO THERE WERE LOTS OF SEATS TO PICK FROM. NOT WANTING TO SEEM LIKE A TOTAL SLACKER, BUT AT THE SAME TIME NOT WANTING TO SEEM LIKE A TOTAL NERD, HE OPTED FOR A DESK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CLASSROOM. EVENTUALLY MORE STUDENTS FILED IN, FILLING UP THE REMAINING SEATS, BUT THE TEACHER WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. "I WONDER IF I HAVE THE RIGHT ROOM?" LLOYD BEGAN TO WONDER.

SUDDENLY, THE DOOR OPENED. "SORRY I'M LATE," AN ANGELIC VOICE SAID. WITH ROSES SUDDENLY MATERIALIZING AROUND HIM, THE TEACHER STRODE INTO THE CLASSROOM. LLOYD'S JAW ALMOST LITERALLY DROPPED TO THE FLOOR.

THE MAN WAS KRATOS AURION, ALTERNATIVELY KNOWN AS THE MOST INCREDIBLE MAN LLOYD HAD EVER SEEN IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE.

KRATOS SLOWLY STRODE TO FRONT OF THE CLASS, HIS ARMS CROSSED. "AS YOU ALL HAVE PROBABLY GUESSED, MY NAME IS MR. AURION, AND I'LL BE YOUR HISTORY INSTRUCTOR. I HOPE YOU ALL ARE AS EAGER TO LEARN AS I AM TO GET THIS YEAR OVER WITH FOR FUCK'S SAKE."

LLOYD WASN'T REALLY LISTENING, SO MUCH AS STARING AT THE MAN IN AWE AND WONDER. HE COULDN'T TEAR HIS EYES AWAY FROM HIS ELEGANTLY DISHEVELED RED-BROWN HAIR, HIS INTENSE BEDROOM EYES, HIS INCREDIBLE WASHBOARD ABS, AND DAT CROTCH BULGE THOUGH.

LLOYD SUDDENLY FOUND HIS GOAL FOR THAT YEAR: "I'MMA GET ME A PIECE OF DAT ASS" HE SAID TO HIMSELF, RESOLUTELY

SUDDENLY SOME DIPSHIT WHO WAS LATE FOR CLASS SAT IN THE EMPTY SEAT IN FRONT OF LLOYD, CUTTING OFF HIS VIEW. "AW HEEEELL NAW" LLOYD THOUGHT TO HIMSELF.

"HEY, YOU DROPPED YOUR PENCIL" HE WHISPERED, TAPPING THE BOY ON HIS SHOULDER.

"WHAT? NO I DIDN'T, IT'S RIGHT HERE ON MY DESK—"

LLYOD INTERRUPTED THE BOY BY SUDDENLY GRABBING THE PENCIL AND HURLING IT ACROSS THE CLASSROOM. "NO, I'M PRETTY SURE YOU DROPPED IT" HE SAID. "YOU BETTER GO PICK IT UP"

THE BOY LOOKED INCREDULOUS, BUT SLOWLY GOT UP TO RETRIEVE HIS PENCIL. WHILE HE WAS GONE, LLOYD SHOVED ALL OF HIS OTHER BELONGINGS ONTO THE FLOOR AND CLAIMED HIS SEAT. AT THE FRONT OF THE ROW, THE VIEW WAS PERFECT.

KRATOS HAD SEEN THE ENTIRE DISPLAY. "GOODNESS, EAGER TO LEARN, ARE WE?" HE SAID IN THAT DEEP, SEXY VOICE OF HIS.

"I SURE AM, HOW ABOUT YOU GIVE ME SOME…..PRIVATE LESSONS?" LLOYD SAID FLIRTATIOUSLY.

KRATOS SUDDENLY GOT SUPER SERIOUS (AS HE IS 90% OF THE TIME.) "ONLY IF YOU REQUIRE FURTHER TUTORING AFTER FIRST ATTEMPTING TO LEARN BY YOURSELF, NOW PAY ATTENTION" HE SAID.

LLOYD SMILED PROUDLY TO HIMSELF. "HA-HAAAA, I'VE STILL GOT IT." HE THOUGHT.

"NOW EVERYONE PAY ATTENTION, I'M ABOUT TO TAKE ATTENDANCE" KRATOS SAID, GETTING OUT THE ATTENDANCE ROSTER. GOING THROUGH THE LIST, NONE OF THE NAMES SEEMED INTERESTING, UNTIL HE CAME TO…

"LLYOD….IRVING?" HE SAID, HESITATING AS THOUGH HE WERE THINKING ABOUT THE NAME.

"HERE" LLOYD SAID, RAISING HIS HAND IN THE MOST SEDUCTIVE MANNER POSSIBLE, WHICH IS TO SAY, NOT VERY SEDUCTIVE AT ALL.

THAT NAME WAS VERY FAMILIAR TO KRATOS. AND THAT FACE…YES, THERE WAS NO MISTAKING IT. THIS WAS HIS LONG LOST SON.

AFTER THE INITIAL EXCITEMENT OF FINALLY FINDING HIS SON, KRATOS DECIDED TO GET A GOOD LOOK AT HIS FEATURES SO THAT HE COULD FIND HIM LATER AND TALK TO HIM. HE SUDDENLY CAME TO A STUNNING REALIZATION:

"OH NO, HE'S HOT" HE THOUGHT

KRATOS SAT THERE STARING AT LLOYD, DEEP IN THOUGHT, FOR A GOOD 2 MINUTES BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE IN THE CLASS SHAKILY ASKED IF HE WAS GOING TO FINISH TAKING ATTENDANCE.

"AH…YES. MY APOLOGIES." KRATOS SAID, FINALLY TEARING HIS GAZE AWAY FROM LLOYD. "NOW, LET'S GET ON WITH THINGS…"

CLASS EVENTUALLY ENDED, AND LLOYD CHECKED HIS SCHEDULE. THERE WAS A HALF-HOUR BREAK BETWEEN FIRST AND SECOND PERIOD, MAYBE HE COULD MEET UP WITH THE OTHERS?

SURE ENOUGH, WITHIN 2 MINUTES, HE FOUND THEM, WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAY. "HEY, GUYS! HOW WERE YOUR CLASSES?" HE ASKED.

"OURS WENT GREAT!" COLLETTE SAID. "MR. BRYANT-SENSEI SEEMS LIKE A REALLY GOOD TEACHER!"

"YES, HE SEEMS VERY KNOWLEDGEABLE IN HIS FIELD. BUT HE SEEMS TO BE A BIT ON THE MELODRAMATIC SIDE, THOUGH." PRESEA SAID.

GENIS WAS COVERED IN SWEAT AND BREATHING HEAVILY. "HE MADE US RUN….FOR TEN MILES….AND THEN WE HAD TO…SPIN THESE STAFF THINGS AROUND….OVER OUR HEADS….LIKE WINDMILLS…FOR LIKE AN HOUR…." HE SAID, BETWEEN GASPS FOR AIR.

"HOW WAS YOUR CLASS, LLOYD?" COLLETTE ASKED.

"IT WAS PRETTY GREAT! MY TEACHER IS A TOTAL BABE" HE SAID. "BUT HE SEEMED A BIT STRANGE, THOUGH…SOMETIMES HE WOULD JUST SMANG THERE AND STARE AT ME. LIKE, WITHOUT EVEN SAYING ANYTHING. SOMETIMES HE WOULD EVEN CUT HIMSELF OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS SENTENCES AND JUST STARE AT ME FOR A FEW SECONDS."

"THAT SOUNDS…A BIT CREEPY"

"NAH, IT'S ALL GOOD, HE'S GORGEOUS" LLOYD SAID, BRUSHING OFF COLLETE'S CONCERN

THE WARNING BELL BEFORE THE NEXT CLASS PERIOD RANG. "WELP, SEE Y'ALL PEASANTS LATER" LLOYD SAID AS HE FLIPPED HIS HAIR SASSILY AND WALKED OFF TO HIS NEXT CLASS.

AFTER THAT MAGICAL CLASS WITH LLOYD, KRATOS DECIDED TO GET SOME LUNCH IN THE TEACHER'S LOUNGE. ON THE WAY THERE, HE STARTED TO THINK OF WAYS TO…."GET MORE ACQUAINTED WITH" LLOYD. "MAYBE I SHOULD INVITE HIM TO DINNER? NO, THAT WOULD BE TOO FORWARD OF ME….WHAT IF I INVITED HIM TO DINNER….THEN HAD MUFFLED WHITNEY HOUSTON PLAYING IN THE DISTANCE?...NO, THAT DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT EITHER."

BY THE TIME HE GOT TO THE TEACHER'S LOUNGE, HE STILL DIDN'T HAVE ANY IDEA ON WHAT TO DO. HE SAT AT A TABLE AND BEGAN CONTEMPLATIVELY EATING FROM A BAG OF SOUR CREAM AND ONION POTATO CHIPS. HE WAS SO DEEP IN THOUGHT THAT HE DIDN'T EVEN HEAR THE DOOR OPEN. THE NEXT THING HE KNEW, A CERTAIN RED-HAIRED HOTTIE WAS SITTING ACROSS FROM HIM.

"EYYY KRATOS, WHAT'S UP?" HE SAID, IN HIS USUAL CAREFREE MANNER

"GO AWAY ZELOS, I'M TRYING TO THINK" KRATOS SAID, NOT EVEN LOOKING AT HIM

"OH SWEET, WHATCHA THINKING ABOUT" ZELOS SAID IN THAT VAGUELY FLIRTATIOUS WAY THAT HE ALWAYS SAID EVERYTHING IN

"NONE OF YO BIIIIIIIIIIIIZZNESS"

"TELL ME"

"NO"

"YES"

"NO"

"YES"

"NO"

"IT'S ABOUT LLOYD ISN'T IT"

"NO- WAIT WHAT HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT LLOYD"

"I WAS LOOKING AT THE ROSTER FOR MY CLASS LATER TODAY, AND I SAW HIS NAME. HE'S YOUR SON, ISN'T HE?"

"WAIT, HE'S IN YOUR CLASS"

"YEAH"

KRATOS PAUSED FOR A MOMENT. "ZELOS AND LLOYD, IN THE SAME CLASS AT THE SAME TIME…EEEEXCELLENT" HE THOUGHT TO HIMSELF

"WHAT TIME IS YOUR CLASS ZELOS"

"3D PERIOD, IN A COUPLE HOURS, WHY"

"GOOD, THAT GIVES ME PLENTY OF TIME TO PREPARE"

"PREPARE FOR WHAT"

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT" KRATOS SAID BEFORE PROMPTLY LEAVING THE TEACHER'S LOUNGE.

ZELOS SAT THERE, BEWILDERED. "….WTF WAS THAT ALL ABOUT" HE THOUGHT

LOD LOOKED AT HIS SCHEDULE TO SEE WHAT HIS NEXT CLASS WAS. "HMMMM….MUSIC WITH MRS. GRANTS…WHO THE FUCK IS THAT? OH WELL, I GUESS I'LL FIND OUT.

HE STEPPED INTO THE CLASSROOM AND LOOKED AT EVERYONE WHO WAS ALREADY THERE. IN THE FRONT OF THE ROOM WAS A TAAL GIRL WHO LOOKED ABOUT HIS AGE. "IS SHE ONE OF THE STUDENTS? BUT SHE'S SMANGING IN THE FRONT OF THE ROOM…SHE CAN'T BE THE TEACHER, CAN SHE?! OH WELL, WHATEVER" LLOYD THOUGHT AS HE SCOPED OUT A SEAT IN THE ROOM.

AMONG THE OTHER STUDENTS, HE SAW A FEW FAMILIAR FACES FROM PREVIOUS CLASSES, AND MANY UNFAMILIAR ONES. BUT HIS ATTENTION WAS GRABBED BY A BOY OF ABOUT HIS AGE, WITH PIERCING GREEN EYES AND LONG RED HAIR TIPPED WITH BLONDE. BUT MOST NOTICEABLE OF ALL WAS HIS MIDRIFF: CLAD IN A BLACK CROP TOP, EACH OF HIS INCREDIBLE ABS WERE ON DISPLAY.

"HOT DAYUM" LLYOD THOUGHT. "YOU COULD CUT DIAMONDS ON THOSE THINGS. NOT AS HOT AS KRATO THOUGH"

EITHER WAY, HE DECIDED THAT HE WOULD SIT NEXT TO CROPPY MCTOPPERSON, NOBODY ELSE LOOKED PARTICULARLY INTERESTING ANYWAY.

LLOYD'S ATTENTION WAS IMMEDIATELY DRAWN TO THE YOUNG MAN BEHIND MR. CROP TOP. HE LOOKED LITERALLY EXACTLY LIKE HIM, EXCEPT WHERE THE FIRST BOY LOOKED BORED WITH EVERYTHING, THIS ONE HAD AN EXPRESSION OF PURE FURY AND RAGE ON HIS FACE. HE WAS BREATHING EXTREMELY HEAVILY, HIS MOUTH WAS SET INTO THE MOST EXTREME FROWN POSSIBLE, AND HIS EYEBROWS WERE ALMOST IN THE SHAPE OF A V. HIS EYES WERE WIDE AND FIXED ON THE BACK OF THE OTHER BOY'S HEAD. HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS ABOUT TWO SECONDS AWAY FROM FLYING COMPLETELY OFF THE HANDLE. LLOYD STOPPED IN HIS TRACKS AND TURNED IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION, SETTLING ON A SEAT ACROSS THE ROOM. "I WONDER WHAT THE HELL THAT DUDE'S DEAL IS" LLOYD THOUGHT.

CLASS STARTED A COUPLE MINUTES LATER. "HEY CLASS WHY DON'T WE GO AHEAD AND START NOW OK MY NAME'S TEAR GRANTS AND I'M YOUR TEACHER LET'S SING A SONG I'LL TEACH IT TO YOU IT GOES LIKE THIS:"

SHE STARTED SINGING, AND LLOYD STARTED FEELING A BIT TIRED. WHICH IS TO SAY, HE BASICALLY DROPPED TO THE DESK LIKE A STONE, ASLEEP BEFORE HIS FACE EVEN HIT THE WOOD.

THE SAME HAPPENED TO EVERYONE ELSE IN THE CLASS AS THEY ALL DROPPED LIKE FLIES.

"GOD DAMMIT, WHY DOES THAT HAPPEN EVERY TIME I SING A SONG?" TEAR THOUGHT DISSAPPOINTEDLY.

EVERYONE WOKE UP BY THE TIME CLASS THEY LEFT, LLOYD DECIDED TO CATCH UP WITH MR FAB ABS TO TRY AND GET TO KNOW HIM BETTER. HE RAN UP BEHIND HIM AND TAPPED HIM ON THE SHOULDER. "HEY,WHAT'S UP? I'M LLOYD, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

THE BOY TURNED AND GAVE LLOYD A CONDESCENDING LOOK. "MY NAME'S LUKE FON FABRE, AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT, PEASANT" HE SAID, THEN HE SNAPPED HIS FINGERS AND PROMPTLY WALKED AWAY.

LLOYD WAS LEFT SMANGING THERE IN THE HALLWAY. "WELL SHIT" HE THOUGHT. HE THEN CAUGHT SIGHT OF THE OTHER BOY, THE ONE WHO LOOKED JUST LIKE LUKE. THE TERRIFYING ONE. FROWNY MCSTRANGLES. LLOYD THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, CONTEMPLATING THE RISKS OF COMING WITHIN FIVE FEET OF HIM, THEN FIGURED "AWW WHAT THE HECK" AND WENT OVER TO HIM.

"HEY, MY NAME'S LLOYD, WHAT'S YOURS?" HE ASKED.

THE DUDE TURNED, AND LLOYD WAS STUNNED TO SEE THAT HIS FACE WASN'T HALF AS TERRIFYING AS IT WAS BEFORE. IN FACT, HE ONLY LOOKED SLIGHTLY ANNOYED, INSTEAD OF MURDEROUS. "ASCH. ASCH FON FABRE." HE SAID.

"OH SWEET, ARE YOU AND WASHBOARD ABS BROTHERS?"

LLOYD KNEW HE SAID SOMETHING WRONG AS SOON AS A HINT OF THE PREVIOUS RAGE CREPT INTO ASCH'S FACE FOR A SPLIT-SECOND. IT TOOK HIM A LITTLE BIT TO RESPOND. "….YOU COULD SAY THAT." HE SAID, TAKING A DEEP BREATH TO CALM HIMSELF.

"HEY, SO IF YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING…WHY WERE YOU SO ANGRY EARLIER?"

ASCH SIGHED AGAIN. "BECAUSE OF THAT DUMBASS REPLICA. I FUCKING HATE HIM SO MUCH"

WHILE LLYOD DIDN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND THE "REPLICA" PART, HE WENT WITH IT. "THEN WHY DID YOU SIT RIGHT BEHIND HIM?"

"BECAUSE I CAN'T LEAVE HIM ALONE, OR ELSE HE'LL DO SOMETHING STUPID AND GET HIS ASS KILLED. IT'S LIKE HE'S MY DOG AND I'M HIS OWNER, AND I NEED TO KEEP HIM ON A LEASH OR ELSE HE'LL GO THROW HIMSELF INTO TRAFFIC"

"DAT'S KINKY"

"OH SHUT UP"

"ANYWAY I'M NEW HERE AND THE ONLY FRIENDS I HAVE ARE THE ONES THAT I'VE HAD ALL MY LIFE, WANNA HANG OUT LATER?"

"MAYBE" ASCH SAID, TURNING AND WALKING AWAY.

"JESUS CHRIST, WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE THEIR PANTIES IN A BUNCH TODAY" LLOYD THOUGHT. BUT HE SHRUGGED IT OFF AND WENT TO FIND HIS NEXT CLASS.

HE LOOKED AT HIS SCHEDULE TO SEE WHERE EXACTLY THE CLASSROOM WAS, BUT WHAT HE SAW CONFUSED HIM: ACCORDING TO THIS NUMBER, THE CLASSROOM WOULD BE WAAAAAY IN THE BACK, AND IN THE BASEMENT. HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THE SCHOOL_HAD_ A BASEMENT. BUT HEY, WHATEVER THE SCHEDULE SAID MUST BE RIGHT.

THE ROOM NUMBER SIGNS ON THE WALL LED HIM DOWN A SHADY-LOOKING HALLWAY THAT LED TO AN EVEN SHADIER-LOOKING FLIGHT OF STAIRS, LEADING DOWN TO THE SHADIEST-LOOKING DOOR IN EXISTENCE. LLOYD WAS A BIT SCARED TO GO INSIDE, AND HESITATED FOR A FEW MINUTES, BUT THE 5-MINUTE WARNING BELL RANG, URGING HIM TO OPEN THE DOOR. HE SLOWLY TURNED THE HANDLE AND PUSHED, REVEALING…

…..THE BIGGEST PARTY HE HAD EVER SEEN.

THE LIGHTS WERE OFF, BUT THERE WERE STROBE LIGHTS AND GLOWSTICKS ALL OVER THE PLACE. THE FLOORS LIT UP LIKE DISCO LIGHTS, AND THERE WAS A DISCO BALL HANGING FROM THE CENTER OF THE CEILING. SKRILLEX STOOD AT A SET OF DJ TURNTABLES, BLASTING HEAVY DUBSTEP MUSIC. WITH A SCENE LIKE THIS, LLOYD EXPECTED THE ROOM TO BE PACKED FULL OF PEOPLE DANCING AND HAVING FUN, BUT THERE WERE SURPRISINGLY FEW PEOPLE THERE, ONLY 30 AT BEST. LLOYD ASSUMED THAT THESE WERE HIS CLASSMATES.

LLOYD WALKED IN AND TRIED TO SCOPE OUT THE PLACE FOR PEOPLE HE KNEW. HE SOON FOUND LUKE, SITTING IN A CHAIR ALONG THE WALL, LOOKING AS THOUGH HE WANTED TO GO HOME. CLOSE BY WAS ASCH, STARING FURIOUSLY AT LUKE FROM BEHIND THE PUNCH TABLE. HE ALSO FOUND GENIS, "DANCING" ON THE DANCE FLOOR. WHICH IS TO SAY, HE WAS FLAILING HIS ARMS AROUND WHILE HEADBANGING. LLOYD DECIDED TO GO OVER TO HIM AND STOP HIM BEFORE HE HURT HIMSELF.

"HEY GENIS, THIS ISN'T A METAL CONCERT, STOP TRYING TO MOSH"

"BUT LOOYD YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN EXPRESS MYSELF" GENIS SAID, NOT EVEN STOPPING TO PAUSE HIS FLAILING.

"BUT GENIS IT DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE YOU'RE MOSHING, IT JUST LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE BEING ATTACKED BY A LAME-ASS SWARM OF BEES"

"THAT'S BECAUSE I BEEZ IN DA TRAP"

"SHUT UP GENIS" LLOYD SAID, WALKING AWAY FROM HIM AND OVER TO LUKE.

"HEY LUKE, WHAT'S UP? THIS IS THE BEST CLASS EVER, HUH?" LLOYD SAID IN AN ATTEMPT TO START UP A CONVERSATION.

"THIS IS THE LAMEST SHIT EVER, I WANNA GO HOME" LUKE SAID

"DUDE, WHY YOU ALWAYS GOTTA BE HATIN?"

"BECAUSE I AM A GOOD FUCKING PERSON, AND GOOD PEOPLE LIKE ME DON'T GET EXCITED OVER LAME SHIT LIKE SHITTY PARTIES. I JUST WISH THE TEACHER WOULD GET HERE ALREADY, SO WE CAN GET THIS CLASS OVER WITH."

AS IF ON QUEUE, THE DOOR SLAMMED OPEN, AND IN WALKED ZELOS, FASHIONABLY LATE AS ALWAYS. HE WALKED TO THE FRONT OF THE CLASSROOM AND CLAPPED HIS HANDS, AND THE REGULAR LIGHTS TURNED BACK ON, THE FLOOR STOPPED LIGHTING UP, AND THE DISCO BALL RECEDED INTO THE CEILING. HOWEVER, SKRILLEX DIDN'T STOP THE MUSIC.

ZELOS GAVE HIM AN ANNOYED LOOK. "YO SKRILL, DROP IT" HE SAID IN AN ANNOYED TONE. SKRILLEX PROCEEDED TO DROP THE BASS.

(SOMEWHERE IN A DIFFERENT UNIVERSE, BASS, WHO WAS IN A HEATED BATTLE WITH MEGAMAN, SUDDENLY FELL TO THE GROUND. "WTF WAS THAT, IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU" MEGAMAN SAID, CONFUSED.

"I DON'T THINK SO, BUT IT FELT LIKE SOME DUMBASS JUST DROPPED ME" BASS REPLIED

"HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT EVEN FEELS LIKE TO BEGIN WITH" MEGAMAN SAID, CONFUSED

"IT HAPPENS A LOT, NOW SHUT UP AND FIGHT ME YOU WORTHLESS HUNK OF JUNK"

"WEIRD" MEGAMAN SAID, BEFORE THEY BOTH SHRUGGED AND CONTINUED THEIR FIGHT)

BACK IN THE SYMPHONIA UNIVERSE, ZELOS YELLED "THAT AIN'T WHAT I MEANT YOU CHUMP, CUT DAT SHIT OUT"

SKRILLEX, LOOKING A BIT DEJECTED, STOPPED THE MUSIC AND WENT INTO A SECRET COMPARTMENT IN THE WALL.

"ALRIGHT HUNNIES, WELCOME TO SEX ED 101" ZELOS SAID. "MY NAME'S ZELOS WILDER, AND I'LL BE TEACHING YOU THE INS AND OUTS OF SEX." HE WAITED FOR A MOMENT, AS THOUGH HE WAS EXPECTING SOMETHING. "IT WAS A JOKE" HE SAID.

THE CLASS CONTINUED TO GIVE HIM BLANK STARES.

"FUCKING LAUGH, YOU LITTLE SHITS"

HE WAS MET WITH A CHORUS OF FAKE LAUGHTER.

"MUCH BETTER. NOW LET'S GET THINGS STARTED, SHALL WE?"

BY THE TIME HALF OF THE CLASS WAS OVER, ALL THE STUDENTS FELT AS THOUGH THEY HAD LOST THEIR VIRGINITY FROM JUST LISTENING TO ZELOS. (ALL OF THEM EXCEPT FOR LLOYD, WHO NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD MUCH OF ANYTHING THAT WAS BEING SAID, SO HE JUST SORT OF SMILED AND NODDED.) SUDDENLY, KRATOS BUST THROUGH THE DOOR AND MADE HIS WAY TO THE FRONT OF THE CLASSROOM.

"HEY KIDS, THERE'S BEEN AN EMERGENCY, EVERYONE EXCEPT LLOYD HAS TO LEAVE THE ROOM IMMEDIATELY" HE SAID.

"KRATOS WTF YOU CAN'T JUST INTERRUPT MY CLASS LIKE THAT, WE WERE JUST ABOUT TO TALK ABOUT DICKS" ZELOS SAID

"DON'T WORRY, WE'LL BE DOING MUCH MORE THAN JUST TALKING ABOUT THEM ONCE ALL OF THESE CHUMPS ARE OUT OF THE WAY"

BUT NOBODY SEEMED TO BE LEAVING. "YO, I JUST SAID, THERE'S BEEN AN EMERGENCY, Y'ALL BITCHES GOTTA GO" KRATOS REPEATED

EVER THE FAITHFUL STUDENT, GENIS RAISED HIS HAND. "WHAT IS THIS EMERGENCY MR AU LION"

"SHUT UP GENIS" KRATOS SAID, AS HE AIMED A FIREBALL AT HIS DESK, MAKING IT BURST INTO FLAMES. "THERE, THERE'S A FIRE, NOW ALL Y'ALL EXCEPT LLYOD GET THE FUCK OUT"

EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY FLED THE ROOM, ONE OF THEM SCREAMING "PORKCHOP SANDWICHES" AS HE RAN. ONCE EVERYONE WAS GONE, KRATOS TURNED TO ZELO AND LLYOD.

"GOOD, NOW WE CAN BEGIN" HE SAID.

"BEGIN WHAT" LLOYD SAID, STILL NOT QUITE UNDERSTANDING THE SITUATION.

"OH, YOU'LL SEE" KRATOS SAID, PREPARING TO REMOVE HIS CLOTHES…

…AND THEN THE BELL RANG, SIGNALING THE END OF CLASS. "WELP, BETTER GO TO MY NEXT CLASS! WOULDN'T WANT TO BE LATE! SEE YA LATER, MR SEXYPANTS & MR OH HOT DAYUM" HE SAID, BEFORE SKIPPING MERRILY OUT OF CLASS.

KRATOS WAS LEFT THERE, HIS SHIRT HALF-REMOVED. "….WELL SHIT" HE SAID IN A DISSAPPOINTED TONE. HE WAS ABOUT TO PUT HIS SHIRT BACK ON ALL THE WAY, BUT ZELOS STOPPED HIM.

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT KRATO, WE DON'T NEED HIM" HE SAID

"OK TRUE" KRATOS SAID

AND THEN THEY YAOI'D, RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE EMPTY CLASSROOM

AND SKRILLEX WAS WATCHING.

AFTERWARDS, KRATO AND ZELO LAID THERE ON THE FLOOR AND DISCUSSED LLYOD.

"I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO APPROACH HIM, I MEAN HOW DO YOU TELL YOUR SON THAT HE'S YOUR SON, AND ALSO YOU WANT TO GET WITH HIM BECAUSE HE'S HOTTER THAN A BAREFOOT JACKRABBIT ON A HOT GREASY GRIDDLE IN THE MIDDLE OF AUGUST" KRATOS SAID

"I HAVE AN IDEA" ZELOS SAID. "WHY DON'T YOU OFFER TO TUTOR HIM ALONE IN A PRIVATE ROOM WITH A BED AND CANDLES AND ROSE PETALS AND SOME MUFFLED WHITNEY HOUSTON MUSIC PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND"

"TUTORING? DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT WOULD WORK?"

"YEAH, JUDGING BY HIS PERFORMANCE IN CLASS TODAY, HE OBVIOUSLY WANTS THE D. ALTHOUGH I WISH HE'D AT LEAST AIM FOR A C OR A B; A D WOULD MURDER HIS GPA."

"WELL, IT'S WORTH A SHOT. I'LL TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT TOMORROW AFTER CLASS."

"YES GOOD"

ASCH WAS ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS, AS HE WAS MOST OF THE TIME. THAT SEX ED CLASS WAS HORRIBLE; HE DIDN'T LEARN ANYTHING, AND THEY DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, SO IT WAS JUST ONE BIG WASTE OF TIME. HOWEVER, HE AVOIDED CONTACT WITH LUKE, WHILE STILL MANAGING TO WATCH HIM AND KEEP HIM OUT OF TROUBLE, WHICH WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. OTHERWISE, HIS WEIRD REFLEX MIGHT KICK IN. AND THAT WOULD BE NO GOOD.

HE WAS ON HIS WAY TO HIS FINAL CLASS OF THE DAY WHEN HE SAW LUKE AT HIS LOCKER, TALKING TO…GUY? "SINCE WHEN DOES HE GO TO THIS HIGH SCHOOL?" ASCH THOUGHT. "FOR THAT MATTER, WHY IS HE A STUDENT? HE'S 21!"

ASCH DECIDED TO HIDE BEHIND THE DOOR TO HIS OWN LOCKER AND WATCH THEM. WHATEVER IT WAS THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT, LUKE SEEMED TO BE GIGGLING A LOT, WHICH WAS STRANGE. ALSO, FROM WHAT HE COULD HEAR, HIS TONE OF VOICE SOUNDED DIFFERENT…A BIT MORE FLIRTATIOUS. AND THEN, FINALLY, THEY LEANED CLOSER AND CLOSER TO EACH OTHER, UNTIL….

"AW HEEEEEELL NAW, I KNOW THIS BITCH-ASS USELESS DRECK AIN'T STANDING THERE MAKING OUT WITH GUY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HALLWAY, THE SKANKY-ASS HO"

BUT SURE ENOUGH, IT WAS HAPPENING. NOT ONLY WERE THEY MAKING OUT, BUT IN BETWEEN KISSES, THEY WOULD CUDDLE AND WHISPER CUTESY THINGS INTO EACH OTHER'S EAR. THE ENTIRE SCENE WAS INCREDIBLY ADORABLE, AND PRETTY HOT…BUT NOT FOR ASCH.

LUKE FON FABRE WAS THE HAPPIEST HE HAD BEEN IN A LONG TIME. HIS DAY HAD BEEN UNBEARABLY BORING, UNTIL GUY STOPPED BY TO SEE HIM. THEY DIDN'T GET TO SEE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH, SINCE GUY WAS AN UPPERCLASSMAN AND THEY HAD NO CLASSES TOGETHER, SO LUKE HIGHLY VALUED THE LITTLE TIME THAT THEY SPENT TOGETHER. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY SPENT IT BY MAKING OUT. WHICH IS WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

THE FEELING OF GUY'S LIPS ON HIS OWN, WITH HIS STRONG ARMS AROUND HIM, WAS LITERALLY THE BEST THING EVER TO LUKE. BUT HIS FAVORITE PART WAS WHEN GUY WOULD HOLD HIM CLOSE AND WHISPER, "I LOVE YOU." IT MADE HIM FEEL AS THOUGH, EVEN IF THE REST OF HIS WORLD WAS BORING, IT WAS ALL WORTH LIVING THROUGH. EVEN THOUGH HIS PARENTS WERE THE STRICTEST PARENTS IN THE WORLD, AND HE WAS HARDLY EVER ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE, AND EVERYTHING WAS BLAND AND MUNDANE, AND HE WAS CONSTANTLY FOLLOWED AT ALL TIMES BY SOME ANGRY DOUCHE WHO LOOKED JUST LIKE HIM, IT WAS ALL OKAY, BECAUSE GUY LOVED HIM, AND THAT WAS ALL THAT MATTERED.

UNFORTUNATELY, CLASS AWAITED THE BOTH OF THEM, AND THEY HAD TO GO THEIR SEPARATE WATS. AFTER WAVING GOODBYE TO GUY, HE TURNED, INTENDING TO GO TO HIS NEXT CLASS, BUT A FAMILIAR PAIR OF PIERCING EMERALD EYES STOPPED HIM IN HIS TRACKS. ASCH WAS SMANGING THERE BEHIND THE DOOR TO HIS LOCKER, GIVING HIM THE MOST MURDEROUS GLARE POSSIBLE. NEEDLESS TO SAY, HE WAS A BIT FREAKED OUT. "ASCH, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GLARING AT ME LIKE THAT FOR" HE ASKED, KEEPING WHAT HE HOPED WAS A SAFE DISTANCE.

"YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHY, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF TRASH" ASCH REPLIED

"NO ACTUALLY, I DON'T, THAT'S WHY I'M ASKING YOU"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIPS ALL OVER GUY LIKE THAT"

"WELL I MEAN HE IS MY BOYFRIEND AFTER ALL"

"SINCE FUCKING WHEN"

"SINCE LIKE A FEW MONTHS AGO, WHY DO YOU CARE ANYWAY"

"BECAUSE YOU KNOW FULL WELL THAT NO GOOD CAN COME OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN YOU TWO"

"WHAT THE FUCK"

"HE'S LIKE 3 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU, HE'S TOO OLD FOR YOU"

"_WHAT THE FUCK_"

"LUKE I'M JUST LOOKING OUT FOR YOU TO MAKE SURE YOU DON'T GET HURT OR KILLED OK"

"ASCH, GUY WOULD NEVER HURT OR KILL ME AND YOU KNOW IT, YOU'RE HIS FRIEND TOO. BESIDES, IT JUST SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO GET ALL UP IN OUR BIIIIIIIIIIIIIZNESS AND BREAK US UP FOR NO REASON"

"YOU FUCKING IDIOT, I DON'T WANT YOU TWO TO BE TOGETHER BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, YOU WORTHLESS STEAMING PILE OF GARBAGE" ASCH SAID SUDDENLY.

THERE WERE A FEW SECONDS OF STUNNED SILENCE FROM BOTH OF THEM.

"….I'M SORRY, WHAT" LUKE SAID INCREDULOUSLY.

"SHIT DAMMIT, THERE GOES MY WEIRD REFLEX" ASCH THOUGHT TO HIMSELF.

AS IF ON CUE, THE BELL RANG. "SHIT, I GOTTA GET TO CLASS" ASCH SAID AS HE MADE A HASTY RETREAT AWAY FROM LUKE, WHO WAS LEFT SMANGING THERE IN COMPLETE BEWILDERMENT. EVENTUALLY HE SIMPLY SHRUGGED AND BLAMED IT ALL ON CRAZY ASCH SHENANIGANS, AND WALKED TO HIS FINAL CLASS OF THE DAY.

LLOYD WAS DEEP IN THOUGHT, WHICH DIDN'T HAPPEN OFTEN. IT TOOK COLLETE FIVE TRIES BEFORE FINALLY GETTING HIS ATTENTION. "JEEZ LLOYD, YOU SEEM PRETTY OUT OF IT TODAY…THAT'S USUALLY MY JOB! WHAT'S UP?" SHE ASKED IN CONCERN.

"COLETTE, HAVE YOU EVER HAD THE BIGGEST CRUSH EVER ON TWO OF YOUR TEACHERS BUT DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO TELL THEM BECAUSE STUDENT-TEACHER RELATIONSHIPS ARE ILLEGAL AND IT WOULD GET THEM FIRED, SENDING THEM BOTH SPIRALLING INTO AN ENDLESS HOLE OF DEBT, AND ULTIMATELY LEAVING THEM AS HOBOS ON THE STREETS OF SOME HUGE CITY, SELLING THEIR BODIES FOR MONEY AND FOOD, RESULTING IN THE CONTRACTION OF MULTIPLE STDS AND EARNING THEM EARLY DEATHS AT THE AGE OF 38?"

"LLOYD, WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING, AND CAN I HAVE SOME"

"COLETTE, I'M SERIOUS, MR. AURION AND MR. WILDER ARE LITERALLY THE SEXIEST THINGS THAT EXIST, BUT I CAN'T TELL THEM DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT"

"WHAT IF YOU JUST WAITED UNTIL AFTER CLASS TO SEE THEM? THEN THERE WOULD BE LESS RISK OF BEING FOUND OUT"

LLOYD CONSIDERED THIS FOR A MOMENT. "COLETTE, THAT IS THE BEST IDEA THAT HAS EVER COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH"

"SERIOUSLY? BECAUSE IT'S PRETTY CRAPTASTIC—"

"HUSH, I'M MAKING AN PLAN" LLOYD SAID, STARING AT NOTHING AS HE PREPARED TO CONCENTRATE. HE THOUGHT LONG AND HARD ABOUT HIS PLAN, GOING OVER IT IN HIS HEAD UNTIL HE HAD IT ALL WORKED OUT.

"I'VE GOT IT!" HE SHOUTED IN TRIUMPH. "I'LL SEND THEM A TEXT MESSAGE AFTER SCHOOL TELLING THEM HOW I FEEL!"

"….LOYD, THAT DOESN'T SOLVE SHIT" COLLETTE SAID INCREDULOUSLY.

"SHUT UP YES IT DOES MY PLAN IS FLAWLESS GURL WHATCHU TALKIN BOUT"

"….WHATEVER LLOYD" COLLETTE SAID, TURNING BACK AROUND IN HER SEAT TO FACE THE FRONT OF THE CLASSROOM. THEY WERE IN THEIR FINLA CLASS OF THE DAY: BIOLOGY WITH MR. CURTISS. HE WAS SMANGING IN THE FRONT OF THE CLASSROOM, WAITING FOR EVERYONE TO SETTLE DOWN BEFORE INTRODUCING HIMSELF.

"HELLO CLASS, I AM COLONEL JADE CURTISS, OF MALKUTH IMPERIAL FORCES, SIXTH DIVISION. HOPEFULLY BY THE END OF THE YEAR, YOU'LL WALK AWAY FROM THIS CLASSROOM WITH AT LEAST A FRACTION MORE KNOWLEDGE OF BIOLOGY THAN YOU PREVIOUSLY HAD."

"THIS CLASS AIN'T GONNA BE HALF AS RAD AS MR. WILDER'S SEX ED CLASS, YO" SAID SOME POOR, IGNORANT DIPSHIT IN THE BACK. HE WAS IMMEDIATELY STRUCK WITH A LIGHTNING BLADE SPELL.

"ANY MORE SMART-ASSES WANT TO SPEAK UP?" JADE ASKED, GLANCING AROUND THE ROOM. OF COURSE, THE ENTIRE CLASS WAS SILENT. "…GOOD. NOW, LET'S BEGIN…"

AFTER CLASS, LLOYD HURRIED AS QUICKLY AS HE COULD FROM THE CLASSROOM. NOT ONLY DID JADE TERRIFY HIM, BUT HE WAS ALSO EAGER TO GET HIS FLAWLESS PLAN UNDERWAY. ONCE OUTSIDE OF THE BUILDING, HE PULLED OUT HIS CELL PHONE AND TYPED UP TWO TEXT MESSAGES: ONE FOR KRATOS, AND ONE FOR ZELOS. AFTER SENDING THEM EACH TO THEIR RESPECTIVE RECIPIENTS, HE GIGGLED TO HIMSELF IN TRIUMPH. THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY THAT THIS COULD BACKFIRE!

KRATOS WAS ON HIS WAY TO HIS BRIGHT RED BEACH BUGGY WHEN HE FELT HIS CELL PHONE BUZZ IN HIS POCKET. HE STOPPED AND PULLED IT OUT, CHECKING THE SCREEN. "A TEXT MESSAGE? NOBODY EVER SENDS ME TEXT MESSAGES…..NOT SINCE THE ACCIDENT." SKEPTICAL AS HE ALWAYS WAS, HE PRESSED THE "ACCEPT" BUTTON ON THE PHONE. IT DISPLAYED THE MESSAGE:

"HAAAAAAYYY KRATO BB JUST WANTED 2 LET U KNO, U IZ ONE FIIIIIIINE PIECE OF AZZ

-XOXOXO UR SECRET ADMIRAL (PS MEET ME BEHIND THE PLAYGROUND TOMORRO AFTER LUNCH OK)"

KRATOS STOOD THERE FOR A GOOD TEN MINUTES, READING THE MESSAGE OVER AND OVER AGAIN, NOT FULLY BELIEVING WHAT HE SAW. IT ALMOST SEEMED AS THOUGH SOMEONE DRUNK TEXTED HIM AFTER A PARTY. EXCEPT THERE HAD BEEN NO PARTY. PERHAPS THEY HAD THE WRONG NUMBER? NO, THEY INCLUDED HIS NAME...

WELL, THE ONLY WAY TO FIND OUT WOULD BE TO GIVE IN TO THIS "SECRET ADMIRAL"'S DEMANDS AND MEET THEM BEHIND THE PLAYGROUND AFTER LUNCH THE NEXT DAY. KRATOS GOT INTO HIS CAR, BLASTED SOME BLOOD ON THE DANCE FLOOR, AND DROVE OFF.

MEANWHILE, ZELOS WAS ON HIS WAY TO HIS DECKED OUT $9847589Q73895T7349579TW SLEEK SILVER CONVERTIBLE LAMBORGHINI WITH SPINNING RIMS WHEN HE HEARD HIS PHONE GO OFF, ALERTING HIM TO A TEXT. LOOKING AT THE SCREEN, HE CHECKED THE SENDER'S NUMBER, BUT IT WAS ONE THAT HE DIDN'T RECOGNIZE. PUZZLED, HE OPENED IT ANYWAY.

"ZELO ARE YOU A LIBRARY BOOK, BECUZ YOU SEXY AS FUCK

-XOXOXO UR SECRET SANTA (PS MEET ME ON DA ROOF AFTER SCHOOL TOMORROW K SEE YA)"

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS SHIT" ZELOS SAID AFTER READING THE MESSAGE A COUPLE TIMES. HE WAS ABOUT TO SIMPLY DELETE IT AND FORGET ABOUT IT, BUT SOMETHING ABOUT THE MESSAGE INTRIGUED HIM…SO HE DECIDED TO MEET THIS PERSON, WHOEVER THEY WERE, ON THE ROOF THE NEXT DAY AFTER SCHOOL. AFTER ALL, WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?

ON THE WAY TO CLASS THE NEXT MORNING, LLOYD TOLD GENIS OF HIS GENIUS PLAN. "SEE, I SENT THEM BOTH DIFFERENT TEXT MESSAGES TELLING THEM TO MEET ME AT DIFFERENT TIMES BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT'LL BE EASIER TO TALK TO ONE OF THEM AT A TIME" HE SAID WITH A PROUD LOOK ON HIS FACE.

"HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT, LLOYD? IT SEEMS LIKE IT WOULD BE FASTER AND MORE CONVENIENT TO TALK TO THEM BOTH AT THE SAME TIME, IF YOU ASK ME." GENIS REPLIED.

"SHUT UP GENIS"

SOON ENOUGH, A FEW HOURS HAD GONE BY. LLOYD SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY PRACTICALLY TREMBLING IN ANTICIPATION AT THE THOUGHT OF MEETING KRATOS ALONE. AFTER WOLFING DOWN HIS LUNCH AS QUICKLY AS HE COULD, LLOYD SKIPPED MERRILY TO THE PLAYGROUND, THEIR DESIGNATED MEETING PLACE. SURE ENOUGH, THERE HE WAS, LEANING AGAINST THE BUILDING WITH HIS ARMS CROSSED. "AW YEEEEEE, LOOK AT DAT BODY" LLOYD THOUGHT.

HE EAGERLY RAN UP TO KRATOS. "HEY KRATOS!" HE SAID.

"OH, LLOYD, I DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE YOU HERE. I'M AFRAID WE CAN'T TALK FOR LONG, I'M WAITING FOR SOMEONE. " HE SAID IN HISUSUAL CRITICIZING TONE.

LLOYD GIGGLED TO HIMSELF. "OH REALLY? BECAUSE THAT SOMEONE…IS ME!" HE SAID.

KRATOS STOOD THERE IN DISBELIEF FOR A SECOND OR TWO. "…YOU MEAN YOU SENT THAT TEXT?" HE ASKED.

"YEP. SEE KRATO, HONEY, LET'S JUST CUT TO THE CHASE, OKAY? I THINK YOU DA HOTTEST THING ON THIS EARTH AND I THINK WE SHOULD MAKE OUT AND MAYBE TOUCH BUTTS. RIGHT HERE. RIGHT NOW."

"….YOU BROUGHT ME OUT HERE TO TELL ME THAT"

"YEAH"

KRATOS SIGHED IN EXASPERATION. "LLOYD, YOU DIDN'T THINK THIS THROUGH VERY WELL, DID YOU? WHY DID YOU TELL ME TO MEET YOU HERE, BEHIND A PLAYGROUND, WITH ALL THESE CHILDREN RUNNING AROUND?"

"WELL, I—"

"AND ALSO, WHY DID YOU TELL ME TO MEET YOU **AFTER **LUNCH RATHER THAN DURING OR BEFORE? NOW WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO TIME; THE BELL IS GOING TO RING IN A COUPLE MINUTES."

"BUT—"

"NOT TO MENTION, YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST LET ME KNOW A LITTLE EARLIER, SO THAT I COULD PROPERLY PREPARE FOR THIS SORT OF THING. IF I HAD KNOWN THAT YOU HAD ROMANTIC INTENTIONS IN MIND, I WOULD HAVE WORN SOMETHING A BIT MORE…ELABORATE."

"…WHA—"

"ANYWAY LLOYD, THE NEXT TIME YOU DESIRE TO MEET ME LIKE THIS, JUST PLAN IT ALL OUT A BIT MORE EFFICIENTLY, WOULD YOU? NOW, I HAVE A CLASS TO TEACH, SO I MUST BE GOING." KRATOS TURNED AND WALKED AWAY, LEAVING LLOYD A BIN CONFUSED. HE COULDN'T TELL IF HE HAD BEEN REJECTED OR NOT.

"BUT HEY…HE NEVER SAID NO, DID HE?" LLOYD THOUGHT. "AWWWWWW HELLZ YEAH!" HE SHOUTED, PUMPING HIS FIST INTO THE AIR.

LATER THAT DAY, ZELOS MADE HIS WAY TO THE ROOF OF THE MAIN SCHOOL BUILDING. "I WONDER WHO THIS CHUMP IS, SENDING ME TEXT MESSAGES AND JUNK…" HE THOUGHT.

ONCE UP THE STAIRS, HE FOUND HIMSELF ON THE ROOF. HONESTLY, HE WAS A BIT SURPRISED; HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE ALLOWED TO ACCESS THE ROOF OF THE SCHOOL AT ALL. HE LOOKED AROUND, EVENTUALLY SEEING A FAMILIAR BROWN-HAIRED BOY. "HEY, LLOYD!" HE CALLED, GRABBING HIS ATTENTION.

"OH, ZELOS-SENPAI, THERE YOU ARE! I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU!" LLOYD SAID.

"HEY, YOU WEREN'T THE ONE WHO SENT ME THIS WEIRD-ASS TEXT MESSAGE, WERE YOU?" ZELOS ASKED, ABOUT TO PULL OUT HIS PHONE TO SHOW IT TO LLOYD.

"ACTUALLY YEAH I DID, NOW SIT DOWN ON THIS BENCH" LLOYD SAID, POINTING TO A CLEVERLY PLACED BENCH NEARBY. IT WAS PRETTY AND COMFORTABLE-LOOKING, BUT IT LOOKED EXTREMELY OUT OF PLACE, AS THOUGH LLOYD HAD DRAGGED IT ALL THE WAY UP HERE HIMSELF.

"….OOOOOOKAY" ZELOS SAID, TAKING A SEAT ON THE BENCH. "WHAT DID YOU WANT TO SEE ME FOR, ANYWAY—"

"HUSH YO MOUTH" LOD SAID, RUMMAGING AROUND IN HIS BACKPACK FOR SOMETHING. "HERE, I MADE YOU A BENTO"

"WHAT" ZELOS SAID AS LLOYD PRACTICALLY THREW A BENTO BOX AT HIM, THEN TOOK A SEAT NEXT TO HIM ON THE BENCH AND STARED AT HIM EXPECTANTLY. HE TOOK THAT AS A SIGNAL THAT HE SHOULD OPEN IT AND SEE WHAT WAS INSIDE.

INSIDE THE BENTO BOX WAS A CUTE ARRANGEMENT OF RICE, SUSHI, LITTLE OCTOPUS-SHAPED SAUSAGES, AND OTHER DELICIOUS GOODIES. ZELOS HAD BEEN EXPECTING IT TO LOOK HORRENDOUS, BUT IT ACTUALLY LOOKED REALLY APPETIZING. "WOW LLOYD, YOU REALLY OUTDID YOURSELF ON THIS!" HE SAID, AS HE OPENED THE CHOPSTICKS THAT WERE INSIDE THE BOX.

"THANKS, I HAD SHEENA MAKE IT FOR ME—I MEAN, UH, I MADE IT MYSELF" LLOYD SAID. "NOW ZELOS, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH…" HE PAUSED, AS IF HE WERE WAITING FOR SOMETHING. BUT NOTHING HAPPENED.

LLOYD CLEARED HIS THROAT. "I SAID, **TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH….."** HE RAISED HIS VOICE A BIT. ZELOS WAS BEGINNING TO THINK THAT THIS ENTIRE THING WAS SOME KIND OF PRANK.

AFTER ABOUT 3 MINUTES OF NOTHING HAPPENING, LLOYD STOOD UP FROM HIS SEAT ON THE BENCH. "HOLD ON A SECOND, COULD YOU?" HE ASKED WITH A SMILE, AFTER WHICH HE STORMED OFF ANGRILY.

LLOYD MADE A BEELINE FOR ONE CORNER OF THE ROOF, WHERE GENIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE READY AND PAYING ATTENTION. HE FOUND HIM INSTEAD LOOKING OVER THE SIDE OF THE ROOF LIKE A TOTAL DUMBSHIT. HE SMACKED HIM ACROSS THE BACK OF THE HEAD TO GET HIS ATTENTION. "WHAT THE FUCK GENIS, WE HAD A DEAL, RIGHT AFTER I SAID 'TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH', THEN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MAKE THE SAKURA PETALS FALL SLOWLY AND ROMANTICALLY FROM ABOVE US"

"OW! SORRY, LLOYD, BUT I GOT DISTRACTED…THERE'S A GIRL'S P.E. CLASS DOWN THERE, AND PRESEA'S IN IT….I COULDN'T HELP BUT STARE FOR A LITTLE BIT" GENIS SAID SHAMEFULLY, WITHOUT MEETING LLOYD'S EYES.

"GENIS I FUCKING TOLD YOU, YOU DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CHANCE WITH PRESEA, NOW GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND PAY ATTENTION, OR ELSE YOU'LL RUIN MY CHANCES WITH ZELOS, AND WE BOTH KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF THAT HAPPENS"

"NO, NOT THE PADDLE, LLOYD"

"THEN FUCKING PAY ATTENTION YOU LITTLE SHIT." LLOYD TURNED AROUND AND WALKED BACK TO HIS SEAT ON THE BENCH NEXT TO ZELOS. "SORRY ABOUT THAT, I JUST HAD TO…TAKE CARE OF A COUPLE THINGS. NOW, _**TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH…**_" HE PRACTICALLY SCREAMED. RIGHT ON CUE, SAKURA PETALS BEGAN TO FLUTTER FROM THE SKY. LLOYD NODDED APPROVINGLY IN GENIS'S DIRECTION BEFORE CONTINUING. "YOU DA HOTTEST THING ON DA PLANET & I WANNA GET IN YO PANTS"

"OK, WHEN & WHERE BB" ZELOS SAID, AS IF HE WERE EXPECTING IT. LLOYD WAS A BIT TAKEN ABACK.

"UHHH IDK ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO REACT TO THAT SO FAST"

ZELOS THOUGHT FOR A SECOND. "WAIT, IF I SET UP A DATE WITH HIM NOW, THEN I CAN INVITE KRATOS ALONG TOO, AND THAT WOULD SOLVE EVERYTHING" HE THOUGHT TO HIMSELF. "OK, TOMORROW'S SATURDAY, RIGHT? WHY DON'T YOU COME TO MY HOUSE"

"AWWWW YEAH SON" LLOYD SAID EXCITEDLY. "BUT WAIT, I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE"

"BUT I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, SO I CAN JUST SWING BY AND PICK YOU UP IN MY CAR"

ALL OF LLOYD'S PROBLEMS WERE SOLVED. "OKAY!" HE SAID EXCITEDLY.

"YES GOOD" ZELOS SAID, STANDING UP FROM HIS SEAT ON THE BENCH. "I'VE GOT PLACES TO BE, SO I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW LLOYD" HE SAID, BEFORE GIVING LLOYD A PARTING KISS ON THE CHEEK

LOD WAS BLUSHU. "SEE YA" HE SAID, AS ZELOS WALKED DOWN THE STAIRS OFF OF THE ROOF. "EVERYTHING IS ACTUALLY COMING TOGETHER PERFECTLY" HE THOUGHT. "AWWWWW YEAH, I'MMA GET SOME D TOMORROW"

MEANWHILE, ASCH HAD BEEN SITTING IN A DARK, FORGOTTED BATHROOM STALL, DWELLING ON THE EMBARRASSMENT THAT HE HAD BROUGHT UPON HIMSELF EARLIER BECAUSE OF HIS STUPID REFLEX. THIS HAPPENED EVERY TIME HE LET HIS EMOTIONS GET OUT OF CONTROL WHILE TALKING TO LUKE: HE WOULD SUDDENLY CONFESS HIS TRUE FEELINGS FOR HIM, WHILE INSULTING HIM. IT HAD ONLY HAPPENED ONCE BEFORE THIS TIME, AND THE FIRST TIME HIS EXCUSE WAS THAT HE WAS DRUNK, BUT WHAT COULD HE SAY ABOUT THIS TIME? IT WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY AT SCHOOL, INTOXICATION WOULDN'T BE A VALID EXCUSE. HOW COULD HE POSSIBLY SHOW HIS FACE IN FRONT OF THAT BEAUTIFUL USELESS SEXY PIECE OF TRASH LUKE AFTER THAT? HE SAT ON THE TOILET, WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS. MUFFLED LINKIN PARK WAS PLAYING IN THE DISTANCE.

HE HEARD THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN. IT SOUNDED LIKE WHOEVER ENTERED WAS CRYING. CURIOUS, ASCH PEEKED FROM UNDERNEATH THE DOOR OF THE STALL, AND SAW A FAMILIAR PAIR OF DESIGNER SHOES. IT WAS LUKE! ASCH WAS OVERCOME WITH AN URGE TO SIMULTANEOUSLY PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE AND START MAKING OUT WITH HIM.

BUT WAIT, WHY WAS HE CRYING? DID SOMETHING HAPPEN? DID…DID HE BREAK UP WITH GUY? FIND OUT THE ANSWERS TO THESE BURNING QUESTIONS AFTER THE BREAK.

WELCOME BACK. IN THIS PARAGRAPH, I'LL BE EXPLAINING HOW ASCH WAS VERY CONFLICTED AS TO WHAT TO DO. BUT HE FIGURED THAT MAYBE HE COULD MAKE UP FOR HIS EMBARASSMENT EARLIER BY COMFORTING LUKE. HE SLOWLY OPENED THE STALL DOOR AND WALKED UP BEHIND HIM, TAPPING HIM ON THE SHOULDER.

"HEY, DRECK. WHAT'S WRONG?" HE ASKED, IN THE MOST GENTLE TONE OF VOICE POSSIBLE. WHICH IS TO SAY, HE STILL SOUNDED LIKE HE WAS ABOUT TO STRANGLE A KITTEN, BUT GENTLY.

LUKE TURNED, SURPRISED TO SEE ASCH THERE. "ASCH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

"WALLOWING IN SORROW BECAUSE I JUST HUMILIATED MYSELF IN FRONT OF THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE—I MEAN, UH, I WAS….DRUNK" ASCH SAID. "ANYWAY, WHAT ARE _YOU_ DOING HERE, AND WHY ARE YOU CRYING"

"WELL, YOU REMEMBER ABOUT TEN MINUTES AGO WHEN YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME"

"ALL TOO WELL" ASCH CRINGED

"WELL, I'M CRYING BECAUSE…I LOVE YOU TOO!"

ASCH ACTUALLY TOOK A STEP BACKWARD IN SHOCK. "W…..WHAT"

"I LOVE YOU A WHOLE LOT, BUT I JUST NEVER TOLD YOU BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS LOOKED LIKE YOU WANTED TO KILL ME. I MEAN, WE'RE BASICALLY THE SAME PERSON, AND I AIN'T GONNA LIE, DAT'S KINKY AS FUCK"

"WAIT SO WHY ARE YOU CRYING? IF I FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU, SHOULDN'T YOU BE HAPPY?"

"WELL YEAH BUT I LOVE GUY TOO, AND I CAN'T PICK BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU"

IN THE BACK OF HIS MIND, AN IDEA FORMED IN ASCH'S HEAD. BUT HE JUST DIDN'T REALIZE IT YET. MEANWHILE, LUKE WAS CRYING EVEN HARDER. "AND I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD BREAK UP WITH GUY AND BE WITH YOU, OR STAY WITH GUY AND LEAVE YOU ALONE, AND I HATE THIS PLACE AND I WANNA GO HOME, BUT IF I WENT BACK HOME I WOULD JUST WANNA ESCAPE AGAIN AND AAAAAAAUUUUUGUHUAHUHSGUAUAUA HAUGAUFGJJFJGAA" LUKE'S WORDS TURNED INTO A JUMBLE OF INTELLIGIBLE SOBS.

ASCH TOOK LUKE INTO HIS ARMS, AWKWARDLY PATTING HIS BACK IN AN ATTEMPT TO COMFORT HIM. "THERE THERE…IT'LL, UHH…..BE OKAY…..YOU WORTHLESS REPLICA" HE SAID. HE HAD NEVER HAD TO COMFORT ANYONE BEFORE. SUDDENLY, THE IDEA THAT HAD BEEN TAKING SHAPE IN HIS MIND FINALLY CAME FORTH. "WAIT LUKE, I HAVE AN IDEA" HE SAID, ENLIGHTENED

"WHAT?"

"OK HEAR ME OUT ON THIS, NOT GONNA LIE, GUY IS ONE SEXY PIECE OF ASS"

"WTF ASCH, HE'S MINE (BUT YEAH YOU RIGHT DOE)"

"JUST LISTEN OK, SO HE'S ONE SEXY PIECE OF ASS, AND YOU'RE ONE SEXY PIECE OF ASS, AND YOU THINK I'M ONE SEXY PIECE OF ASS…..SOOOOOOO WHY DON'T WE…..ALL…JUST….DO IT TOGETHER"

"DO WHAT"

"YOU KNOW, IT"

"WHAT IS 'IT'"

"LUKE COME THE FUCK ON, I KNOW YOU'RE ONLY LIKE 7 YEARS OLD BUT STILL"

"OOOOOHHHH YOU MEAN MAMBO NUMBER 5"

"…WHAT"

"THAT'S WHAT ME AND GUY CALL IT"

"….OKAY FINE, WHAT IF WE ALL DID MAMBO NUMBER 5 TOGETHER"

"AWWWW HELLZ YEAH MAAAAAAN"

LLYOD WAS GETTING READY FOR HIS BIG DATE WITH ZELOS (AND KRATOS TOO, EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT PART YET.) HE SPENT A LOT OF TIME TRYING TO PICK OUT WHAT TO WEAR, BUT EVENTUALLY DECIDED ON HIS REGUALAR RED JACKET AND BLACK PANTS, BECAUSE HE FIGURED HE'D EVENTUALLY END UP TAKING OFF ALL HIS CLOTHES ANYWAY. HE RAN A HAND THROUGH HIS HAIR TO MAKE IT LOOK ELEGANTLY DISHEVELED, AND RAN OUT TO HIS FRONT PORCH TO WAIT FOR ZELOS TO PICK HIM UP.

NOT TEN MINUTES AFTER HE WAS READY, ZELOS CAME DRIVING UP IN HIS $84U58QWU85923480392850W SLEEK SILVER CONVERTIBLE LAMBORGHINI WITH SPINNING RIMS, BLASTING A-YO OVER THE SPEAKERS. LLOYD HOPPED UP IN EXCEITMENT AND RAND TO THE CAR AS IT ROLLED TO A STOP IN FRONT OF HIS HOUSE. "ZELOS BB WASSUP" HE SAID, AS HE JUMPED INTO THE PASSENGER SEAT.

"HEY LLYOD GUESS WHAT I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU" ZELOS SAID.

"WAT IS IT"

"YOU'LL SEE" ZELO SAID WITH A MISCHIEVOUS GRIN

SOON, THEY PULLED UP TO ZELOS'S $984U98Q9WTU8OWE4RT89E9RU38RE YROIU39ETYRO38YE7T8UWA8E ESTATE MANSION THING. "HOLY SHIT ZELOS THIS PLACE IS HUGE" LOYS SAID AS HE MARVELED IN WONDER. THERE WAS EVEN A HUGE-ASS GARDEN WITH FOUNTAINS AND SHIT IN THE FRONT. "YOU COULD PROBABLY FIT DISNELYAND AND UNIVERSAL STUDIOS IN HERE AND STILL HAVE LEFTOVER ROOM"

"YOU GOTTA GO BIG OR GO HOME, SON" ZELOS SAID. "NOW GET INSIDE, I GOTTA SHOW YOU YOUR SURPRISE"

LODA WALKED INTO THE IMMACULATE MANSION. EVERYTHING WAS SO FANCY, HE COULD FEEL THE FANCY PARTICLES IN THE AIR. (THEY MADE HIM WANT TO HOLD HIS PINKY UP IN THE AIR AND EAT LOBSTER.) "SO WHERE ARE WE GOING FOR THIS HERE SURPRISE" HE ASKED.

"GO AHEAD GURL, COME TO THE BACK" ZELOS SAID, LEADING HIM TOWARD THE BACK OF THE HOUSE MANSION ESTATE THING.

LLOYD FOLLOWED HIM TO A ROOM UPSTAIRS. THE DOOR WAS HUGE, SO LLODY ASSUMED THAT THE ROOM WITHIN WAS ALSO HUGE. "WHAT ROOM IS THIS?" HE ASKED.

"IT'S MY BEDROOM. AND INSIDE, YOU'LL FIND YOUR SURPRISE…." ZELOS SAID WITH A MINSCHIEVOUS GRIN. HE SLOWLY OPENED THE DOOR, TO REVEAL…NOTHING. IT WAS JUST HIS ROOM. THERE WAS HIS BED, SOME FURNITURE, THE USUAL. NOTHING ELSE.

THEY BOTH SAT THERE AND STARED FOR A MOMENT; LLOYD LOOKING FOR HIS SURPRISE, AND ZELOS WONDERING WHY IT WASN'T THERE. "UHHH, HOLD ON A SEC" HE SAID. "HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE BY NOW"

"WHO IS 'HE'"

"THAT'S THE SURPRISE" ZELOS SAID, BEFORE STEPPING OUT TO MAKE A PHONE CALL.

HE CALLED KRATOS TO SEE WHAT WAS UP. KRATOS PICKED UP THE PHONE AFTER LIKE 5 RINGS. "WHAT IS IT?" HE ASKED FROM THE OTHER LINE.

"KRATOS WTF YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE IN MY ROOM ON MY BED FOR LLYDO BY THE TIME WE GOT BACK"

"I KNOW, BUT I, UHHH…COULDN'T FIND ROSE PETALS"

"I ALREADY HAVE THEM HERE"

"I COULDN'T GET INTO YOUR HOUSE"

"I LEFT IT UNLOCKED FRO YOU"

"I COULDN'T EVEN FIND YOUR HOUSE TO BEGIN WITH"

"YOU LIVE LIKE 5 MINUTES AWAY AND I GAVE YOU DIRECTIONS"

"YOUR HOUSE IS JUST A MYTH"

"KROTAS STOP DICKING AROUND AND GET THE FUCK OVER HERE"

"OK NO I SRSLY CAN'T"

"WHY NOT"

"BECAUSE I'M WORKING AT MITHOS'S STREP CLUB TODAY, AND HE WON'T LET ME OFF UNTIL EVER"

"JUST ASK HIM IF YOU CAN LEAVE FOR A FEW MINUTES, AND THEN JUST DON'T COME BACK"

"ZELOS IF I DO THAT HE WILL LITERALLY FUCKING KILL ME"

IN THE BACKGROUND, ZELOS HEARD A VOICE SAY "KRATOS, GET THE FUCK BACK TO WORK, I AIN'T PAYING YOU FOR NOTHING"

"YES SIR" KRATOS REPLIED. "LOOK ZELO I'M GOMEN BUT I CAN'T LEAVE OK I GOTTA GO BYE" THERE WAS A CLICK AS KRATOS ENDED THE CALL.

"WELL SHIT" ZELOS SAID. LLOYD WALKED UP BEHIND HIM.

"WHAT HAPPENED?" HE ASKED.

ZELOS PAUSED DRAMATICALLY. "WE'RE GOING TO STEAL THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE" HE SAID, AS HE LOOKED INTO THE DISTANCE DRAMATICALLY WITH THE WIND BLOWING THROUGH HIS HAIR AND A BALD EAGLE FLYING IN THE DISTANCE WITH THE AMERICAN FLAG PHOTOSHOPPED INTO THE BACKGROUND.

"WAT"

"I MEAN KRATO"

"OH OK"

**[INTERMISSION]**

EMPEROR PEONY WAS LOOKING FOR A NEW COLOR TO PAINT HIS & JADE'S ROOM. HE HAD ALREADY GONE THROUGH COUNTLESS PAINT COLOR CARDS, TRYING TO FIND A GOOD ONE, BUT SO FAR, IT WAS ALL TO NO AVAIL. HE LET OUT A SIGH OF FRUSTRATION AS THE DOOR OPENED AND JADE WALKED IN.

"WHAT'S WRONG, PEONY?" HE ASKED, EYEING THE VARIOUS SCATTERED PAINT CARDS ON THE FLOOR. IT LOOKED LIKE SOMEONE THREW A TEMPER TANTRUM IN A HARDWARE STORE. "I'M TRYING TO PICK OUT A COLOR FOR OUR ROOM, BUT NONE OF THESE LOOK RIGHT"

JADE THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT. "IF I MAY MAKE A SUGGESTION" HE SAID, AS HE WALKED IN FRONT OF THE PARTICULAR SPOT OF WALL THAT PEONY WAS LOOKING AT.

"I WAS THINKING SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF….SENSUAL JADE" HE SAID, SPRAWLING HIMSELF OUT AGAINST THE WALL IN A SEDUCTIVE POSE.

PEONY JUST STARED AT HIM. "THAT WAS THE WORST PUN I'VE EVER HEARD"

"YEAH I KNOW, ME TOO"

LATER THAT NIGHT, ZELOS AND LILTOD SET FORTH TO RESCUE KRATOS FROM A NIGHT OF ETERNAL STREP. ZELO HAD A PLAN AND EVERYTHING.

"WHATS THE PLAN AGAIN" LLOYD ASKED AS THEY LEFT ZELOS'S HOUSE.

"1. WE WALK SNEAKILY TO MOTHOS'S STREP CLUB. 2. WE SNEAK IN AND BURGLE KRATO. 3. WE BRING HIM BACK HERE. DONE."

"OK THAT'S NICE AND ALL BUT WTF IS THE POINT OF BEING SNEAKY WHEN WE'RE WEARING BRIGHT PINK METALLIC SPARKLY CLOTHES"

"GURL U KNO WE GOTTA BE FRESH 2 DEATH, WE AIN'T NO BASIC BITCHES" ZELOS SAID, LEADING THE WAY.

THEY SNUCK THEIR WAY THROUGH BACKYARDS, BUSHES, AND BARBED-WIRE FENCES, AND EVENTUALLY ZELOS STOPPED THEM IN THEIR TRACKS. "I THINK WE'RE HERE" HE SAID, LOOKING UP AT THE HOUSE THEY WERE CROUCHED IN FRONT OF.

"U SURE BRO, IT'S JUST A HOUSE"

"YEE SON DIS IS IT"

"DON'T YOU THINK MITHOS WOULD HAVE HIS STREP CLUB IN SOMETHING BETTER THAN A DAMN RESIDENTIAL HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKIN SUBURBS"

"NO SHUT UP LET'S GO"

MEANWHILE, ASCH, LUKE, AND GUY WERE GETTING READY FOR THEIR NIGHT OF DEBAUCHERY

"IDK MAN, I'M STILL SORT OF ON THE FENCE ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING, I MEAN, MY MIND'S TELLING ME NO, BUT MY BODY….MY BODY'S TELLING ME YEEEEEESSSSS" LUKE SAID, SEATED ON ASCH'S BED.

"LOOK BRO, YOU DON'T GOTTA BE WORRIED, I MEAN I DON'T SEE NOTHING WRONG WITH A LITTLE BUMP & GRIND" ASCH REPLIED. "AIN'T THAT RIGHT, GUY"

"HELLZ YEAH BRO, ALL I WANNA DO IS *GUNSHOT NOISES* AND *CASH REGISTER NOISE* AND I'M TAKING MONEY"

"YEAH WHAT HE SAID, NOW ERRYBODY TAKE YO CLOTHES OFF" ASCH SAID, WASTING NO TIME IN GETTING NEKKID

SOON, EVERYONE WAS PROPERLY DISROBED AND SEXYTIMES WERE ABOUT TO BEGIN. THEN TWO SCREAMING MANIACS IN SPARKLY PINK METALLIC CLOTHING CAME CRASHING IN THROUGH THE WINDOW DOING BARREL ROLLS LIKE JAMES BOND WITH SEVERE ARTHRITIS. THE SHOCK OF IT ALL MADE LUKE SCREAM AND ASCH PUNCH THE TWO INTRUDERS IN THE FACE WHILE GUY MADE ACTUAL GUNSHOT NOISES.

LLOYD AND ZELOS STOPPED WITH THEIR BATTLE SCREAMING AND TRIED TO STAND UP TO ASSESS THE SITUATION. LOOKING AROUND, INSTEAD OF SEEING MITHOS'S STRIP CLUB, THEY WERE JUST IN SOMEONE'S BEDROOM WITH THREE NAKED DUDES ON A BED WITH ONE OF THEM MAKING NOISES LIKE AN AK-47.

"THE FUCK KIND OF STRIP SHOW IS THIS" ZELOS SAID, LOOKING AROUND.

"SHIT ZELOS I TOLD YOU THIS WASN'T THE PLACE" LLOYD SAID, BRUSHING BROKEN GLASS OUT OF HIS CLOTHES AND HAIR

"FUCK YOU'RE RIGHT. BUT I COULD'VE SWORN IT WAS RIGHT HERE"

FINALLY COMING TO HIS SENSES, ASCH PICKED UP ON WHAT WAS GOING ON. "IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR THAT STRIP CLUB, IT'S RIGHT NEXT DOOR" HE SAID.

"AIGHT THANKS BRO" ZELOS SAID, CLIMBING BACK OUT THE WINDOW.

"BE CAREFUL, THEY GOT SOME SEEDY-ASS SHIT GOING ON OVER THERE, I HEAR IT EVERY NIGHT" ASCH WARNED.

"DON'T YOU WORRY SON, WE'RE FRESH 2 DEATH, AINT NOTHIN GONNA HAPPEN TO US"LLOYD SAID AS HE SLIPPED OUT OF THE WINDOW BEHIND ZELOS.

ASCH TURNED AROUND TO FACE LUKE AND GUY, WHO WERE STILL SITTING ON THE BED IN SHOCK. "NOW WHERE WERE WE" HE SAID, JOINING THEM

"SMASH BANG FUSION" GUY SAID

"AWWW YEEEEEE"

FINALLY ARRIVING AT THE RIGHT PLACE, ZELOS AND LLOYD ATTEMPTED THEIR DYNAMIC SCREAMING WINDOW-ENTRY AGAIN, BUT THE WINDOWS WERE MADE OF PLEXIGLASS SO THEY ENDED UP BOUNCING OFF ONTO THE GROUND. THEY DECIDED TO JUST USE THE DOOR INSTEAD.

"WAIT HOLD ON I HAVE AN IDEA" LLOYD SAID, AS ZELOS WAS ABOUT TO KICK THE DOOR DOWN. INSTEAD, LLOYD RANG THE DOORBELL.

AS ZELOS WONDERED WHY A STRIP CLUB WOULD HAVE A DOORBELL, A SCANTILY CLAD YOUNG MAN ANSWERED THE DOOR. "WELCOME TO CRUXXXIS" HE SAID.

"HI, WE'RE HERE TO DELIVER 420 PIZZAS" LLOYD SAID

"WTF WE DIDN'T ORDER ANY PIZZA"

"YES YOU DID"

"BESIDES, WHERE ARE THEY? AND HOW WOULD YOU GET THEM HERE WITHOUT A CAR"

LLOYD PUNCHED THE GUY IN THE FACE, AND HE CRUMPLED INTO A HEAP ON THE GROUND.

"LLOYD WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT OF THAT"

"I SAW IT ON TV ONCE, BESIDES, IT WORKED, COME ON LET'S GO"

THEY RAN INSIDE AND LOOKED ALL OVER THE PLACE, BUT COULDN'T FIND KRATOS ANYWHERE. THEY DECIDED TO ACT LIKE CUSTOMERS AND ASK WHERE HE WAS.

THEY COULDN'T TELL IF THE PEOPLE THEY WERE ASKING WERE CUSTOMERS OR EMPLOYEES, BUT THEY FIGURED IT DIDN'T MATTER MUCH. THEY WENT AROUND TAPPING RANDOM PEOPLE ON THE SHOULDER AND ASKING WHERE KRATOS WAS. IF THEY DIDN'T KNOW THE ANSWER, LLOYD WOULD SCREAM "GIMME ALL YOUR LUNCH MONEY" AND THEN PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE.

SOON ENOUGH THERE WAS A BUZZ GOING AROUND THE ENTIRE BUILDING ABOUT TWO SPARKLY PINK MANIACS WHO WANTED TO BURGLE EVERYONE'S LUNCH MONEY. "LLOYD, YOU GOTTA STOP WITH THE LUNCH MONEY THING, YOU'RE GONNA GET US KICKED OUT BEFORE WE FIND KRATO"

"OK I'LL CHILL, BUT I THINK IT'S TOO LATE, IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE LOOKING FOR US"

"OH SHIZZNIT, WE GOTTA GO FAST THEN"

ZELOS APPROACHED ANOTHER SCANTILY CLAD MAN AND TAPPED HIM ON THE SHOULDER. THE MAN TURNED AROUND, AND LLOYD AND ZELOS GASPED IN SURPRISE. "REGAL, WTF, IS THAT YOU" LLOYD ASKED.

"OH GOD PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYONE I WORK HERE" REGAL SAID, LOOKING AROUND TO SEE IF ANYONE WAS WATCHING HIM TALKING TO OUTSIDERS.

"UHHH DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT BRO, BUT CAN YOU JUST TELL US WHERE KRATOS IS?"

"HIS STAGE IS OVER THERE, SO I'D TRY LOOKING THERE FIRST" REGAL SAID, POINTING TO A CORNER OF THE CLUB.

"KAY COOL THANKS. BTW MAN, WE'RE KINDA COMMITTING A JAILBREAK HERE, YOU WANNA COME WITH?"

"WHILE I APPRECIATE THE OFFER I MUST POLITEFULLY DECLINE, I'M AIGHT WITH STAYING HERE FOR NOW"

"WHAT, WHY"

"YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW MANY PEOPLE WOULD PAY TO SEE A MAN IN HANDCUFFS SAY OVERLY MELODRAMATIC THINGS WHILE REMOVING HIS CLOTHES IN A SEDUCTIVE MANNER. I'VE GOT RACKS ON RACKS ON RACKS, AS THEY SAY"

"AIGHT BRO YOU DO YO THANG, WE GONNA GO GET KRATO NOW"

"GODSPEED, BITCHEZ"

ZELOS AND LLOYD WALKED OVER TO THE STAGE IN THE DIRECTION THAT REGAL DIRECTED THEM TO. THERE WERE PLENTY OF PEOPLE SURROUNDING IT. THEY PUSHED THEIR WAY TO THE FRONT OF THE CROWD TO SEE…THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE LEANING AGAINST A STRIPPER POLE.

THE TWO OF THEM SIMPLY STOOD THERE AND STARED AT IT FOR A MOMENT BEFORE WORDLESSLY TURNING TO SEARCH THE BACK OF THE CLUB.

IN THE FARTHEST BACK CORNER, THEY FOUND KRATOS, STILL IN HIS STRIPPER UNIFORM, ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES, TRYING TO DIG HIS WAY THROUGH THE HEAVY CONCRETE WALL WITH A TOOTHBRUSH.

HEARING THEM APPROACH, HE TURNED AROUND, AND THEIR EYES MET IN AWKWARD ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. WITHOUT A WORD, KRATOS STOOD UP AND THEY WALKED OUT THE DOOR.

BUT RIGHT WHEN THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE HOME FREE, A LASSO WRAPPED ITSELF AROUND KRATO'S NECK AND PULLED HIM BACK INSIDE. "AND JUST WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING" SAID A FAMILIAR VOICE

"SHIT, HOW DID YOU FIND US" LLOYD SAID

"WELL I ONLY KNOW A FEW PEOPLE WHO ARE DUMB ENOUGH TO GO AROUND PUNCHING PEOPLE AND DEMANDING THEIR LUNCH MONEY SOIT REALLY WASN'T THAT HARD"

"WELL SHIT"

"MOTHIS I'M SORRY BUT I GOTTA BOUNCE THIS JOINT" KRATOS SAID

"B'CUUUUUUSE ME KRATO, BUT YOU ANSWER TO ME, AND I SAY YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE"

"MAN, I GOT A DATE WITH MY SON IN MY SUPER RICH BOYFRAND'S MANSION, I AIN'T GOT NO TIME TO BE ALL UP IN THIS TRIFLIN STRIP CLUB WITH THESE RATCHET-ASS HOES" KRATOS SAID AS HE REMOVED MITHOS'S LASSO.

"KAY DAS NICE BUT YOU STILL AIN'T LEAVING"

"YO DAD, HEADS UP" LLOYD CALLED FROM A DISTANCE. KRATOS TURNED AND SAW HIM AND ZELOS RUNNING TOWARDS MITHOS WITH THEIR SWORDS POINTED IN A THREATENING MANNER. HE INSTANTLY GOT THE IDEA AND DREW HIS OWN SWORD.

"CROSS THRUST, MOTHAFUCKA" THE THREE OF THEM SHOUTED AS ALL THREE LARGE, GLISTENING BLADES PENETRATED MOTHIS AT THE SAME TIME. HE GASPED IN SURPRISE AS THE BLADES SLID THROUGH HIS DELICATE FLESH.

"UNF~3 " HE SAID AS HE FELL TO THE GROUND, UNCONSCIOUS.

"WELL THAT TAKES CARE OF HIM" ZELOS SAID, LOOKING AT THE ANGEL'S MOTIONLESS BODY. "WHAT Y'ALL WANNA DO NOW?"

"THE FUCK YOU THINK SON, WE GOIN BACK TO YO PLACE"

"AWWWW YEEEEEEE, SHITS GON BE BUMPIN" ZELOS SAID

"& GRINDIN" LLOYD ADDED

THE CAR SPED OFF INTO THE NIGHT WITH MUFFLED NICKI MINAJ PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND

THAT NIGHT, LLOYD FINALLY OBTAINED BOTH D'S

SO DID ZELO

AND SO DID KRATO

LEGEND HAS IT THAT IT CAUSED EARTHQUAKES ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE WORLD.


End file.
